From time to time, I dabble with writing children's stories. I'll provide many more along the way, but here's one to start for all the kiddos:
One day Kangaroo woke up and he was hopping mad.
The day before a new hopper had come to town.
Up until this point in Kangaroo’s young life, he had been the best hopper on the block.
But now, this new hopper, some kid named Zeke with a pogo stick, was taking the neighborhood by storm.
He had really big feet.
He could jump about three inches higher than Kangaroo.
And most of all, he had bright red hair.
Everyone thought that was cool.
Kangaroo decided he could never talk to Zeke.
They would, Kangaroo thought, always be sworn enemies.
Then one day, Zeke was hopping by Kangaroo’s house on his pogo stick.
At that moment Kangaroo hoped that Zeke would fall off his pogo stick and scrape his knee.
And, as luck would have it, Zeke did.
A crack in the sidewalk outside Kangaroo’s house was too much for Zeke, his big feet and his pogo stick. And Zeke fell hard. Hard enough to make him cry.
Kangaroo felt bad.
Was it his fault? Had he wished too hard for Zeke to fall on his face?
Kangaroo felt so bad, that he put some ice in a towel and rushed outside to see if Zeke was all right.
When he got outside, Kangaroo saw that Zeke was crying. Zeke had scraped his knee and it really hurt.
Kangaroo said, “Here, try this,” and offered Zeke the ice pack.
Zeke stopped crying and put the ice on his knee. It immediately felt better.
Then Zeke thanked Kangaroo and said, “Its hard to always be a hopper. Sometimes I wish that everyone would just let me walk.”
Kangaroo couldn’t believe it. That’s exactly how he felt, too.
Kangaroo and Zeke spent the rest of the afternoon talking about the hardships of being a world-class hopper.
And then they had some snacks (raisins and apple juice), and from the point on they were always the best of friends.
And Kangaroo never once again thought about not talking to Zeke.
And because of their friendship, and all the things they shared they started to train together, and soon were both equal at all hopping.
3 smart alecky remarks:
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You want me to rip apart your text? Things that stood out for me as a little outside the level of the reader you seem to be aiming at were:
"It immediately felt better." (It felt better right away?)
They would, Kangaroo thought, always be sworn enemies. (Something about the sentence structure gets me. Can't pinpoint it yet.)
"And because of their friendship, and all the things they shared they started to train together, and soon were both equal at all hopping." This sounds like you were trying to wrap it up too quickly. Can these things be split up into different sentences or pages, or can you draw out HOW they trained (they raced, they timed each other, they worked on technique, etc.?)?
Finally-- it felt like it came out of nowhere for Zeke to say he wished everyone would just let him walk. Why couldn't he walk? Because he was so good at hopping he felt like he had to all the time because people expected him to? I started wondering this but instead of keeping me in the story it took me out.
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