It's in the Milwaukee Public Museum
I wonder who got fired for this one?
I want to meet that genius and praise him or her for a winning touch of subversive panache in the Indian exhibit.
I write. You read. Everyone is happy.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
A Little Christmas Play.
Here's a little holiday ditty to get you in the mood. It was written for a Northern Illinois Public Radio Holiday Radio Program. Northern Illinois...radio's final frontier.
MARKETING HACK
Please, come in. Make yourself comfortable. Is there anything my assistant Jason can get you?
INNKEEPER
No, no. Thanks. I’m not very hungry or thirsty. Things are such a mess, I’m even having a hard time sleeping.
MARKETING HACK
Well, that’s why you’ve come to me, right? Listen, I’m the best marketing person in town. You have a p.r. problem, and I can spin it like a dreidel. By the time you leave here today, you’ll be ready for a big steak dinner, a tall cold beer, and a long night’s sleep.
INNKEEPER
Sounds good to me. So, where should we begin?
MARKETING HACK
I like to detail the problem first. Once I explore it from all angles, I can usually find a way to tie it up with a bow and make it look like your daughter’s sweet sixteen birthday present. So, tell me, what happened?
INNKEEPER
Well, as I explained on the phone, I’m a fairly successful innkeeper.
MARKETING HACK
Right. Inns. Love them. Stay in them a lot when I travel for business. Maybe I’ve stayed in yours?
INNKEEPER
Could be. We’re at the end of the block.
MARKETING HACK
The one with the indoor swimming pool?
INNKEEPER
No, we’re the one with the petting zoo.
MARKETING HACK
Right. My kids are begging me to take them there someday for a long weekend. Ever think of adding a mini golf course?
INNKEEPER
Maybe. But business is down right now from this p.r. problem of mine.
MARKETING HACK
Of course, of course. But keep the mini golf idea on the radar for the long term. It’s got growth potential written all over it. So, you’re an innkeeper with a problem?
INNKEEPER
Yes. I recently had a problem with a couple who wanted to check into the inn.
MARKETING HACK
Okay, well that doesn’t sound so bad. We can probably just have you swallow your pride and admit that the customer is always right. Are you willing to offer them a free continental breakfast?
INNKEEPER
I’m willing to offer them the shirt off my back, but I think the damage has been done and there’s no way to repair it. This was no ordinary couple. Have you heard of this Joseph and Mary?
MARKETING HACK
Wait a minute. Joseph and Mary? The parents of Christ?
INNKEEPER
Those are the ones.
MARKETING HACK
So you’re the guy. Boy you do have a big problem my friend. You had no idea that those two were the parents of the new savior?
INNKEEPER
No way. This scruffy guy comes up to the front desk. Long beard. Smelled like camel. Not exactly what I imagine the surrogate father of Christ to look like.
MARKETING HACK
Well what did Joseph say to you when he came up to your front desk?
INNKEEPER
(Crying) Waaaaah! Waaaaah!
MARKETING HACK
You’re telling me Jesus’ father stood before you crying like a little girl?
INNKEEPER
Actually he stood on top of me. The fella looked like he needed a hug. I gave him my shoulder to cry on.
INTERVIEWER
Well, that’s very Christian of you.
INNKEEPER. You couldn’t say that a few days ago. Remember the kid wasn’t born yet. Remember when we used to say, “That’s very Swedish of you!”
MARKETING HACK
Yeah, I used to love that. Those Swedes are such good people. Tall. Blonde. And I love their meatballs.
INNKEEPER
Yes, they are delicious. But could we please get back to my problem?
MARKETING HACK
So Joseph and Mary were at the front desk of your inn. What happened then?
INNKEEPER
Well, standard procedure is to take a customer’s credit card for their stay. You know room, taxes, mini bar, that kind of stuff.
MARKETING HACK
And did Joseph give you a credit card?
INNKEEPER
He did. But it was declined.
MARKETING HACK
Oh, too bad.
INNKEEPER
Joseph tried to pay with sheckles, but I generally frown upon that kind of thing. I run a reputable inn. Not one of those pay by the hour places you see on the outskirts of Sodom or Gomarah.
MARKETING HACK
So you turned Jesus’ parents out at that point?
INNKEEPER
Well, I realized that there was nothing much I could do at that point. I told them there was no room at the inn. Joseph’s credit card was no good, so there was nothing I could do. Company policy is to stick to the rules.
MARKETING HACK
Rules are rules. I mean look at those Ten Commandments that Moses character is promoting. People are even saying he might write one of those “How To” guides. If he’s smart he’ll ask Noah to be his ghost writer. The Idiots Guide to Building an Ark and Treading Water has been on The Times Top Ten List for five straight years running.
INNKEEPER
I had one big problem, though. Just then, Mary started to have contractions.
MARKETING HACK
That’s a tough one. The mother of the savior going into labor right in front of you is definitely a something you cannot ignore.
INNKEEPER
Yeah, I couldn’t just turn them out into the streets to wander the night. But I also couldn’t let them stay in the lobby. I was worried Mary’s water might break, and the maid staff was off for the night.
MARKETING HACK
Sure, sure. That could have been a big mess. So that’s when you offered them a place to stay in the stable?
INNKEEPER
I thought, “What the heck.” I spent the night there once after my wife threw me out after she found out I had coveted my neighbor’s wife. The hay is really very comfortable.
MARKETING HACK
So Joseph and Mary accepted your offer?
INNKEEPER
I hustled them all to the stable, and before you knew it, a child was born.
MARKETING HACK
Jesus Christ?
INNKEEPER
Jesus H. Christ. That’s the one.
MARKETING HACK
What’s the H stand for?
INNKEEPER
Helen. She was kind to Joseph in her will.
MARKETING HACK
Jesus H. Christ. I hear that name and I think one thing: Jesus Christ—Superstar! Does the kid have representation yet?
INNKEEPER
I’m not sure, but I do think we’re all gonna end up hearing a lot of that name in the future.
MARKETING HACK
Well, you’ve outlined the problem very well. You turned the parents of the savior of all mankind out of your inn, made them give birth to Jesus in a pile of hay and manure, and now people are avoiding your inn like the plague. Go figure.
INNKEEPER
Sales are horrible. I’ve even tried offering free cable and HBO, but nothing seems to be working. I really need your help.
MARKETING HACK
Well you’ve done the right thing coming to me. I know you might feel crucified right about now, but I don’t see it that way. What we have here, my friend, is an opportunity.
INNKEEPER
You think so? Things seem so bleak right now.
MARKETING HACK
Cheer up. We’re gonna make lemonade out of this great big pile of lemons you’ve brought me. This reminds me of the work I did a few years back for the Hallmark Greeting Card people. A little fairy in a diaper, hearts everywhere, and a day called Valentine’s turned them around.
INNKEEPER
Valentine’s Day? You’re responsible for Valentine’s Day?
MARKETING HACK
I don’t like to brag, but yes. That was all mine. Greeting card sales were flat, and the Hallmark people needed something to juice the industry. It worked in spades. Well I guess better to say in hearts, right? We’re doing market research for the turkey industry now. I think the opportunity is big. So big, we may be looking at co-sponsorship with a new line of health clubs that just opened throughout the Holy Land. People get fat from eating too much turkey, it’s a simple fact of life. They need someplace to burn it off that will only cost them a one time joining fee and a modest monthly surcharge. Everything has its price.
INNKEEPER
Wow. So you think my inn has a chance of surviving?
MARKETING HACK
I like to think big. And yes, you do have a big problem. I imagine a lot of folks think you’re a big jerk because you didn’t make a room with clean linens available for the birth of The Prince of Peace. I actually think you’re a jerk.
INNKEEPER
Boy, you make one mistake and the only one who seems to be able to forgive you is a kid named Jesus. He really is a nice boy.
MARKETING GUY
So why not play off the kid’s personality and open your doors to a new and thrilling opportunity that celebrates the birth of that charming little cherub who likes lepers and can turn water into wine.
INNKEEPER
He can do that?
MARKETING GUY
With the right spin, the kid can even walk on water.
INNKEEPER
So what do you suggest?
MARKETING HACK
A top to bottom market saturation promoting Jesus’ birth as some kind of worldwide holiday. It will be a tender and solemn celebration of the child born to save the world. And the merchandising options will ensure a constant revenue stream. This will be bigger than sliced manna.
INNKEEPER
Sliced manna. Wow.
MARKETING HACK
I want to kick this whole holiday announcement off with a press conference at the inn. What’s the name of your inn, by the way?
INNKEEPER
Pedro’s Sleepaway Hacienda.
MARKETING HACK
Really. You don’t look like a Pedro to me.
INNKEEPER
Actually my name is Bob, but I thought Pedro’s Sleepaway Hacienda give the inn an international flair.
MARKETING HACK
Well, as part of your image makeover, the inn is going to need a new name. And since we’re inventing a new holiday, let’s cut to the chase and call it The Holiday Inn. I think it might soften the fact that you’re the bozo who forced te parents of Jesus Christ to give birth to their son in barn.
INNKEEPER
Well that all sounds great. Is there anything else that needs to be done?
MARKETING HACK
A name. That’s big. Every holiday needs a catchy name. Got any ideas?
INNKEEPER
Uh, how about Jesus Day
MARKETING HACK
Interesting. Simple. To the point. But we better use his last name. We could get lots of Jesuses crawling out of the woodwork wanting a piece of the action.
INNKEEPER
Christapalooza?
MARKETING HACK
Let’s call it a working title. It might not fit on the t-shirts and hats.
INNKEEPER
Okay, so we pick a day, and give it a name. It sounds too simple.
MARKETING HACK
And it is. That’s only phase one. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a few phone calls as I plan phase two. And do me a favor.
INNKEEPER
Anything you say.
MARKETING HACK
Get a haircut and a shave before we announce the big day. We need to try and make you look sympathetic even though you threw the Blessed Virgin Mother into a cow barn.
INNKEEPER
Thanks again. I owe you my life.
(He exits.)
MARKETING HACK
(Calling on the phone.)
Jason, two things. Pull everything you can on one Jesus H. Christ. I want to sign him before anyone else gets their hooks in him. And two, get Macy on the phone. Tell him I want to talk cross promotion. I think I might be able to help him find some work for that fat old uncle of his who likes to hang around with midgets if he’s ready to play ball.
THE END
MARKETING HACK
Please, come in. Make yourself comfortable. Is there anything my assistant Jason can get you?
INNKEEPER
No, no. Thanks. I’m not very hungry or thirsty. Things are such a mess, I’m even having a hard time sleeping.
MARKETING HACK
Well, that’s why you’ve come to me, right? Listen, I’m the best marketing person in town. You have a p.r. problem, and I can spin it like a dreidel. By the time you leave here today, you’ll be ready for a big steak dinner, a tall cold beer, and a long night’s sleep.
INNKEEPER
Sounds good to me. So, where should we begin?
MARKETING HACK
I like to detail the problem first. Once I explore it from all angles, I can usually find a way to tie it up with a bow and make it look like your daughter’s sweet sixteen birthday present. So, tell me, what happened?
INNKEEPER
Well, as I explained on the phone, I’m a fairly successful innkeeper.
MARKETING HACK
Right. Inns. Love them. Stay in them a lot when I travel for business. Maybe I’ve stayed in yours?
INNKEEPER
Could be. We’re at the end of the block.
MARKETING HACK
The one with the indoor swimming pool?
INNKEEPER
No, we’re the one with the petting zoo.
MARKETING HACK
Right. My kids are begging me to take them there someday for a long weekend. Ever think of adding a mini golf course?
INNKEEPER
Maybe. But business is down right now from this p.r. problem of mine.
MARKETING HACK
Of course, of course. But keep the mini golf idea on the radar for the long term. It’s got growth potential written all over it. So, you’re an innkeeper with a problem?
INNKEEPER
Yes. I recently had a problem with a couple who wanted to check into the inn.
MARKETING HACK
Okay, well that doesn’t sound so bad. We can probably just have you swallow your pride and admit that the customer is always right. Are you willing to offer them a free continental breakfast?
INNKEEPER
I’m willing to offer them the shirt off my back, but I think the damage has been done and there’s no way to repair it. This was no ordinary couple. Have you heard of this Joseph and Mary?
MARKETING HACK
Wait a minute. Joseph and Mary? The parents of Christ?
INNKEEPER
Those are the ones.
MARKETING HACK
So you’re the guy. Boy you do have a big problem my friend. You had no idea that those two were the parents of the new savior?
INNKEEPER
No way. This scruffy guy comes up to the front desk. Long beard. Smelled like camel. Not exactly what I imagine the surrogate father of Christ to look like.
MARKETING HACK
Well what did Joseph say to you when he came up to your front desk?
INNKEEPER
(Crying) Waaaaah! Waaaaah!
MARKETING HACK
You’re telling me Jesus’ father stood before you crying like a little girl?
INNKEEPER
Actually he stood on top of me. The fella looked like he needed a hug. I gave him my shoulder to cry on.
INTERVIEWER
Well, that’s very Christian of you.
INNKEEPER. You couldn’t say that a few days ago. Remember the kid wasn’t born yet. Remember when we used to say, “That’s very Swedish of you!”
MARKETING HACK
Yeah, I used to love that. Those Swedes are such good people. Tall. Blonde. And I love their meatballs.
INNKEEPER
Yes, they are delicious. But could we please get back to my problem?
MARKETING HACK
So Joseph and Mary were at the front desk of your inn. What happened then?
INNKEEPER
Well, standard procedure is to take a customer’s credit card for their stay. You know room, taxes, mini bar, that kind of stuff.
MARKETING HACK
And did Joseph give you a credit card?
INNKEEPER
He did. But it was declined.
MARKETING HACK
Oh, too bad.
INNKEEPER
Joseph tried to pay with sheckles, but I generally frown upon that kind of thing. I run a reputable inn. Not one of those pay by the hour places you see on the outskirts of Sodom or Gomarah.
MARKETING HACK
So you turned Jesus’ parents out at that point?
INNKEEPER
Well, I realized that there was nothing much I could do at that point. I told them there was no room at the inn. Joseph’s credit card was no good, so there was nothing I could do. Company policy is to stick to the rules.
MARKETING HACK
Rules are rules. I mean look at those Ten Commandments that Moses character is promoting. People are even saying he might write one of those “How To” guides. If he’s smart he’ll ask Noah to be his ghost writer. The Idiots Guide to Building an Ark and Treading Water has been on The Times Top Ten List for five straight years running.
INNKEEPER
I had one big problem, though. Just then, Mary started to have contractions.
MARKETING HACK
That’s a tough one. The mother of the savior going into labor right in front of you is definitely a something you cannot ignore.
INNKEEPER
Yeah, I couldn’t just turn them out into the streets to wander the night. But I also couldn’t let them stay in the lobby. I was worried Mary’s water might break, and the maid staff was off for the night.
MARKETING HACK
Sure, sure. That could have been a big mess. So that’s when you offered them a place to stay in the stable?
INNKEEPER
I thought, “What the heck.” I spent the night there once after my wife threw me out after she found out I had coveted my neighbor’s wife. The hay is really very comfortable.
MARKETING HACK
So Joseph and Mary accepted your offer?
INNKEEPER
I hustled them all to the stable, and before you knew it, a child was born.
MARKETING HACK
Jesus Christ?
INNKEEPER
Jesus H. Christ. That’s the one.
MARKETING HACK
What’s the H stand for?
INNKEEPER
Helen. She was kind to Joseph in her will.
MARKETING HACK
Jesus H. Christ. I hear that name and I think one thing: Jesus Christ—Superstar! Does the kid have representation yet?
INNKEEPER
I’m not sure, but I do think we’re all gonna end up hearing a lot of that name in the future.
MARKETING HACK
Well, you’ve outlined the problem very well. You turned the parents of the savior of all mankind out of your inn, made them give birth to Jesus in a pile of hay and manure, and now people are avoiding your inn like the plague. Go figure.
INNKEEPER
Sales are horrible. I’ve even tried offering free cable and HBO, but nothing seems to be working. I really need your help.
MARKETING HACK
Well you’ve done the right thing coming to me. I know you might feel crucified right about now, but I don’t see it that way. What we have here, my friend, is an opportunity.
INNKEEPER
You think so? Things seem so bleak right now.
MARKETING HACK
Cheer up. We’re gonna make lemonade out of this great big pile of lemons you’ve brought me. This reminds me of the work I did a few years back for the Hallmark Greeting Card people. A little fairy in a diaper, hearts everywhere, and a day called Valentine’s turned them around.
INNKEEPER
Valentine’s Day? You’re responsible for Valentine’s Day?
MARKETING HACK
I don’t like to brag, but yes. That was all mine. Greeting card sales were flat, and the Hallmark people needed something to juice the industry. It worked in spades. Well I guess better to say in hearts, right? We’re doing market research for the turkey industry now. I think the opportunity is big. So big, we may be looking at co-sponsorship with a new line of health clubs that just opened throughout the Holy Land. People get fat from eating too much turkey, it’s a simple fact of life. They need someplace to burn it off that will only cost them a one time joining fee and a modest monthly surcharge. Everything has its price.
INNKEEPER
Wow. So you think my inn has a chance of surviving?
MARKETING HACK
I like to think big. And yes, you do have a big problem. I imagine a lot of folks think you’re a big jerk because you didn’t make a room with clean linens available for the birth of The Prince of Peace. I actually think you’re a jerk.
INNKEEPER
Boy, you make one mistake and the only one who seems to be able to forgive you is a kid named Jesus. He really is a nice boy.
MARKETING GUY
So why not play off the kid’s personality and open your doors to a new and thrilling opportunity that celebrates the birth of that charming little cherub who likes lepers and can turn water into wine.
INNKEEPER
He can do that?
MARKETING GUY
With the right spin, the kid can even walk on water.
INNKEEPER
So what do you suggest?
MARKETING HACK
A top to bottom market saturation promoting Jesus’ birth as some kind of worldwide holiday. It will be a tender and solemn celebration of the child born to save the world. And the merchandising options will ensure a constant revenue stream. This will be bigger than sliced manna.
INNKEEPER
Sliced manna. Wow.
MARKETING HACK
I want to kick this whole holiday announcement off with a press conference at the inn. What’s the name of your inn, by the way?
INNKEEPER
Pedro’s Sleepaway Hacienda.
MARKETING HACK
Really. You don’t look like a Pedro to me.
INNKEEPER
Actually my name is Bob, but I thought Pedro’s Sleepaway Hacienda give the inn an international flair.
MARKETING HACK
Well, as part of your image makeover, the inn is going to need a new name. And since we’re inventing a new holiday, let’s cut to the chase and call it The Holiday Inn. I think it might soften the fact that you’re the bozo who forced te parents of Jesus Christ to give birth to their son in barn.
INNKEEPER
Well that all sounds great. Is there anything else that needs to be done?
MARKETING HACK
A name. That’s big. Every holiday needs a catchy name. Got any ideas?
INNKEEPER
Uh, how about Jesus Day
MARKETING HACK
Interesting. Simple. To the point. But we better use his last name. We could get lots of Jesuses crawling out of the woodwork wanting a piece of the action.
INNKEEPER
Christapalooza?
MARKETING HACK
Let’s call it a working title. It might not fit on the t-shirts and hats.
INNKEEPER
Okay, so we pick a day, and give it a name. It sounds too simple.
MARKETING HACK
And it is. That’s only phase one. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a few phone calls as I plan phase two. And do me a favor.
INNKEEPER
Anything you say.
MARKETING HACK
Get a haircut and a shave before we announce the big day. We need to try and make you look sympathetic even though you threw the Blessed Virgin Mother into a cow barn.
INNKEEPER
Thanks again. I owe you my life.
(He exits.)
MARKETING HACK
(Calling on the phone.)
Jason, two things. Pull everything you can on one Jesus H. Christ. I want to sign him before anyone else gets their hooks in him. And two, get Macy on the phone. Tell him I want to talk cross promotion. I think I might be able to help him find some work for that fat old uncle of his who likes to hang around with midgets if he’s ready to play ball.
THE END
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