In honor of our horrific Wisconsin winter, I give you, Snubby Franks.
SNUBBY FRANKS AT THE FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ROAST
(The scene is a Friar’s type roast for Frosty The Snowman. Think old school, Rat Pack, tuxedo clad comedians taking digs at Frosty. The emcee, Snubby Franks, a borshcht belt comic who is a mix of Milton Berle, Don Rickles, and Joey Bishop enters. I’m all in favor of any rim shots any drummer can provide. In fact, I’m begging for them.)
Snubby Franks
Good evening. Good evening. How are ya? How are ya? What a night! What a crowd! In a minute, we’ll get things rolling, but before I begin, I have an announcement.
(He pulls a piece of paper out of his tuxedo jacket and reads it.)
You’re lazy, that outfit makes you look like a tube of Jimmy Dean pork sausage, and next time you get a hair cut, shell out more than eight fifty so you don’t get the barber with the white cane and sunglasses.
What can I tell you folks, you’ll hear things tonight that you’d never hear in the safety and comfort of your own home. That is, unless you’re married to a monkey.
I’m Snubby Franks, the king of the one-liner. I used to be the king of the two-liner, but I couldn’t afford the overhead.
As you all know, we’re here tonight to honor one of the all time greats. One of the biggest menschs around. One of the sweetest bubbelas ever to come to town.
But the Virgin Mary had her bridge game tonight, so we decided to come together to roast that rolly polly shmendrick Frosty The Snowman.
You know when the asked me to have a roast for Frosty The Snowman, I said, “Alright. But I’d prefer a nice brisket.”
Frosty and I go way back. And that’s no surprise, because he’s been around forever. I’m not saying Frosty is old, but he just applied for a new job and on the application where it asked for his birthday he wrote Ice Age.
Ice Age. Come on folks, we’re roasting frosting the snowman, not having a MENSA convention.
Frosty. The Easter Bunny called. He wants the carrot back.
You know what I admire about Frosty, folks?
(He pauses and looks out at the audience.)
Raise you hand if you know, because I have no idea.
The best thing about Frosty is you don’t need to shovel him.
Frosty, didn’t anyone tell you? No white after Labor Day.
Frosty is as pure as the driven snow. Of course, he’s drifted a bit lately.
I think of Frosty every time I eat ice cream. Just as soon as I get the headache.
Frosty. What did I say? Why the cold shoulder?
Folks it gets better than this, I promise. My vicodin should kick in any minute.
Think about it for a minute folks. Have you ever seen Frosty and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together in the same room? Curious. Very curious.
There’s magic in that old hat of Frosty’s. But you know what else you’ll find in there? His toupee. Frosty, you’re not fooling anyone. You make Ted Koppel look like a hippie.
Frosty looks great, doesn’t he folks. He lost some weight. I almost didn’t recognize him. I thought he was that lamb chop I’ve had in the back of my freezer since 1975.
Frosty, I found your wallet in the parking lot again. How many times do I have to tell you, a snow bank is not where you keep your money?
Thank you, thank you ladies and gentleman. Your silence will help with my daily meditation. Ohhmm! Ohhmm! Oy! I pulled something.
Enjoy the rest of the show folks. You can thank me later for setting the bar so low.
(Snubby is gone. But not forgotten.)
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