Snuby and Mona at The Frosty The Snowman Roast

Snubby and Mona had to share a stage. It had to happen. Would you ever really have cared about Captain without Tenille? No need to answer, just read the final installment of Snubby's and Mona's highjinkery!

SNUBBY AND MONA AT THE FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ROAST

(It’s the shank of the evening. Snubby and Mona enter together. Frosty has been roasted by a C-list line up of wiseguys. It’s time for his rebuttal. Mona and Snubby have empty cocktail glases in hand.)

Snubby Franks
Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Mona Grazelli
You’re too kind. I love you all.

Snubby Franks
She means it folks. You’ll believe it when you’re making her breakfast in the morning.

Mona Grazelli
Snubby, you kill me.

Snubby Franks
Not yet Mona, but it you keep scuffing my shoes, I might make a few calls.

(They share a good-natured boozy laugh.)

Mona Grazelli
Snubby, don’t you think it’s time we brought Frosty up here to say a few words.

Snubby Franks
How about, “I want my mommy!” I almost feel bad about how we’ve treated the old snow guy tonight. He’s gonna feel worse tomorrow morning than he did the day after he had a few too many Tom and Jerry’s with Nanuck of The North.

Mona Grazelli
Aw, come on, he’s a big boy. I once saw him take on a whole gang of street thugs.

Snubby Franks
Did he get beaten to a pulp?

Mona Grazelli
Nah, he just froze.

(Mona laughs at her own joke. Snubby gives her a look.)

Snubby Franks
Mona, darling. Stick to singing. I’ll do the jokes tonight.

Mona Grazelli
Whenever you’re ready. We’ve been waiting all night.

Snubby Franks
Why don’t you give me a break from smelling your perfume and go get Frosty.

Mona Grazelli
My pleasure. I’ll freshness up my drink, too. Bartender, don’t skimp on the nutmeg this time!

(She exits.)

Snubby Franks
Mona Grazelli, ladies and gentlemen. Isn’t she something? Every time I see Mona I remember one thing. Some ladies sure can wear a mustache.

Before Frosty comes up here, I just wanted to remind you all that we didn’t really mean any of the bad things we said about Frosty tonight. No. We just couldn’t say what we were really thinking because the cops would have shut the place down.

(Mona screams from off stage. She enters carrying a bucket and a top hat.)

Mona Grazelli
Snubby! Oh my gosh! We have a big problem!

Snubby Franks
Mona, Mona. Calm down. I haven’t seen you like this since they discontinued the Autumn Maple hair dye you used to buy for a dollar twenty-eight.

Mona Grazelli
Snubby. It’s Frosty. This is a BIG, BIG problem! I mean, a really BIG ONE!

(Mona begins to crumble. She cries uncontrollably. Snubby tries to calm her down.)

Snubby Franks
Mona! Stop it, you’re hysterical! Control yourself! Calm down! Calm down! I’m sorry to do this, but it’s the only way!

(He dips his empty cocktail glass in the bucket of water and throws his drink in Mona’s face.)

Snubby Franks
Now stop it! Mona, where’s Frosty?

Mona Grazelli
All over my face! You just threw Frosty in my face!

Snubby Franks
You mean…

Mona Grazelli
Yeah. In the bucket.

Snubby Franks
And the hat?

Mona Grazelli
It’s his.

Snubby Franks
What happened?

Mona Grazelli
We roasted him too well!

Snubby Franks
What about the magic in that old hat business?

Mona Grazelli
It’s just a song Snubby. I mean that’s like thinking that Rudolph really has a red nose. Everybody knows that was just a really bad pimple.


Snubby Franks
Folks, what can I say? How about have a drink? Mona and I need to talk to the bartender for a minute. Hey Joey, remember the time Dom Deluise got overheated and we stuck him in the ice bath. We’re gonna need the tubby ice treament again!

(They are off. Really, really off.)