I have a job to do, and I will not be doing it from a trailer park.

I'm going to win The Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.



End of sentence. Done. I'm convinced, I'm winning the thing.

I recently was sent my first Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes packet. I opened it, and did something I never do with "junk mail" like this. I read it. This shit is not junk, friends. It's my destiny.

I looked through the pages tucked in the envelope, decided it was true that I had to buy nothing, and because of my intense sleuthing skills, I was able to find the two stickers I needed to clip and paste on a piece of paper. By doing so, I was able to discover that there are companies in business that sell things like art sets and potato scrubbers for Publishers Clearing House consumers. God love them for contributing their hard earned cash to what will be my eventual winnings.

I must emphatically state the following: I AM NOT A PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE CONSUMER! I'M ONLY A FUTURE PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE WINNER!

I read the Sweepstakes facts that were included in my packet to find that I could enter more than once. So, in addition to my original entry, I will use the four remaining stamps in my possession to mail in a four-pack entry. In separate envelopes, of course, as the Sweepstakes Facts clearly spells out. I'm a reader, see. I'm so going to win because of my superior intellect.

I'm bringing this bitch down. I'm breaking its back. And I'm going to be filthy rich because some family from Kentucky loves to buy matching doggie and kittie figurines for the in-town and country trailers they claim as part of their familial estate.

When I win, I hope to react a bit like the chick in the towel in the following video. I will take her cue and prance around my neighborhood in just a simple bath wrap, fresh from a bracing scrub I've had contemplating what to do with my cleverly snatched lucre. If anyone has a problem with that, tough luck. I will be grossly rich with all that Publishers Clearing House fat cash, so I will be an unstoppable force in the world financial market.

Watch and learn. And just wait for my announcement of the vast riches I will soon be awarded.