That’s me, wearing a pair of
Pinhole eyeglasses. You’ve heard of them, right? They’re the revolutionary miracle glasses that are also all the rage for all fashionista four eyes.
Come on, you’ve undoubtedly heard of them, right? You’re clearly a person who suffers from refractive eye disorder, right? Or perhaps you’re over the hill, aren’t you? Maybe you sit on your ever-expanding rump at a computer all day writing stuff into your blog?
No? Huh. I’ve always imagined that all Artsy Schmartsy have any of these debilitating ailments. And I guess the
Pinhole eyeglass organization thinks I’m an old, refractive eye disordered, internet surfer. That’s why they sent me a FREE OFFER to try their glasses.
The hitch was that I needed to write a review of their product for my blog. In October. If you’re not near a calendar, we’re celebrating Jesus’ birthday in a few days. I’m late. Very late.
I must offer a few disclaimers to set the record straight.
I don’t suffer from refractive eye disorder, whatever that is. It just sounds yucky. I’m sorry for any refractive eye disorder-ers. Refraction sucks, right?
I’m not elderly. Though many people call me “Old Man”, I’m not near retirement age. Nor will I ever be since my chosen careers as writer, journalism hack, and theater slob have assured me a lifetime of diminishing returns on any salary I’m lucky enough to collect.
As for sitting at a computer for hours on end…maybe. But I do glance away often enough to see if there’s more coffee or bacon within reach so I don’t think that makes me worthy of an eyeglass intervention.
But I said I would take the
Pinhole eyeglasses because I am fascinated by
Pinhole glasses. That poorly constructed sentence about
Pinhole eyeglasses is fulfillment of my promise to mention
Pinhole glasses in my review of
Pinhole eyeglasses. I’m writing about
Pinhole eyeglasses, you see. P-I-N-H-O-L-E (space) E-Y-E-G-L-A-S-S-E-S.
Okay so, here’s my review:
I wore the
Pinhole eyeglasses on several occasions. I became dizzy and disoriented. I couldn’t help feel as if I was looking through a bathtub drain while wearing my free pair. Small children and sweet little old ladies ridiculed me every time I had the
Pinhole eyeglasses perched on my nose. Friends of mine said, “Dude, what’s that on your face.” I thought maybe I had a roach on my face by the way they looked at me with shock and disgust, but when I tried to wipe it away, I felt
Pinhole glasses and nothing else. Now I’m a glasses wearer, have been for a long time. I love how specs look on my face. So have the ladies (wink, wink), if you know what I mean. I’ll give the
Pinhole glasses props for shape and their elegant line. I think the horned rim is the only way to go. However, I’m flummoxed about the best place to wear the
Pinhole glasses to look like I’m with the in crowd? A darkened room? At an A.V. Club Meeting? Walking down the street with a tin cup and white cane? I’ve not seen my vision improve with the bouts of ten minute forced wearing that I’ve subjected myself to while sitting typing things into my blog. I have sen mi spiling git wurs thow as I cint c a firkin thin whin Iam whiring thes
Pinhole eyeglasses (somehow I’m always able to spell
Pinhole eyeglasses, though). But I’ll concede that I’ve not been harmed by wearing the
Pinhole eyeglasses. I just got the test results back from my family doctor, and my cholesterol is in great shape. I’ve got to believe that the
Pinhole eyeglasses had something to do with that. If you’re into letter grades, I’m giving the
Pinhole eyeglasses a B-. Let’s face it, the B- students were always the coolest ones in school, and I still think the
Pinhole eyeglasses are cool just because they’re so blasted mysterious to me still.
That review was 334 words. I had to write 300. Consider the mission accomplished.
I’ve been offered the chance to receive more free products after this one. Can’t wait to see what shows up in my mail next. Knit Bikinis? Plastic Wrap Scarf? Paper Shoes? Bring it on—I’m waiting anxiously for my next shipment of revolutionary life altering consumer goods.