Today, that's it for my money grubbing ways!

Well, I make no hard and fast promises about the claim I made in that subject line, but today is the final day of my $1,000 Chip In Challenge. See how close we are? Chip In now and help make Artsy Schmartsy sassier than sassafras (what the hell is sassafras anyway?).

Here it is. Chip. Chip. Chip.

A quick question for you today

I'm thinking about the term "not-for-profit" and how it applies to all arts groups.

I think it sucks. I think it is self-persecution. I think it says, "We're weak and we want to be your bitch." And you? What do you think?

Any other terms that might be more empowering? Or is the "not-for-profit" bitchdom of arts groups here to stay for the long haul?

It's Wednesday, It's Hot, So You Get This Popsicle

I think everyone is deserving of a little Cubby Bernstein today. So here. Cool off.

This Begel howls louder than them all

Look at that radio man. Poised, intense, willing to tackle any issue.

That's Dave Begel eons ago.

This is Dave Begel now.



He might be the only guy I know who can get away with being a loveable asshole everyday of his life and get paid for it. And I mean that. I love the dude. Asshole that he is.

I bring this up because my pal Dave Begel is filling in for Steve the Homer True on The World’s Greatest Sports Talk Show today on WAUK 540 AM in Milwaukee. He'll be on from 2-6 PM today and if I know Begel, I know these will be four hours you will not want to miss.

You may know Begel as a media rapscallion who wasn't afraid to tackle Bart Starr in the press or as a notorious player in local and state politics. I first knew him as my understudy. He was my backup for a Milwaukee Shakespeare production of COMEDY OF ERRORS a few years back. Since then I've directed him, given him unending shit about being an old man and been the grateful receiver of a spare golf club he made rattling around his basement (my assumption is he grafted it from someone else's bag, but that make it even more Begelrific).

Listen, and call in. He'll have mucho things spewing from his yap. And I'm not talking about the sandwich he'll be eating during today's show.

You can listen on-line at 540 ESPN, ESPN Milwaukee.

Tough love arts style

I had an arts experience this weekend that forced me to be honest in a tough way.

I went and saw a local show on Friday night. I was less than impressed with what I saw, and when asked about my experience by one of the producers, I was more than honest about my thoughts on what I had seen.

I'm not a critic, and I have never purported to be an authority on anything, but I felt I had an obligation to be frank with a fellow artist. For me, that was a tough thing to do (I'm a nice guy, honest), but I have been pretty disenchanted with some of the art going on around town and I decided it's time to call a spade a spade when I see it.

My frank evaluation of what I saw was not intended to diminish the work of the artists who had created it. But, it was frank. Really frank. I did, however, hope it would force them to dig in deeper and come up with work that more accurately represents the talents that they possess. In other words, I came to praise Caesar, not to bury him to horribly invoke The Bard.

What do you think about brutal candor that is offered in hopes of making art better? Does it just reek of self importance by the giver, or is it the only thing that artists should really be doing to help support their fellow compatriots in the cause? How do you handle telling your artist pals that their work doesn't live up to the dream of what you know they can achieve?

Or is lying and saying, "It was good," just the way of the world?

Been involved in Milwaukee theatre for the past 50 years or so? Give me a holler!

I'm writing a book. And I need your help.

I've signed a deal (That sounds so "Oprah's Book Club" doesn't it?) with Arcadia Publishing to write a pictorial book on the history of Milwaukee's live theater scene over the past 50 years. This book will be part of their Images of America Series. If you've never seen one, check them out. I'm actually pictured in Martin Hintz's IRISH MILWAUKEE , in my younger, hairier headed days.

The goal of the books in this series is to give the reader a "broad strokes" glimpse into a topic through heavily captioned pictures and concise narratives. My job as the writer of this book will be to compile the story of Milwaukee's live theater scene over the past 50 years through a collection of images, condensed stories and succinct explanations. It's a thrilling project, and I could use your help.

How can you help, you're asking? Well, let me tell you. If you have photos, programs or publicity materials you would like to share relating to live theater in Milwaukee over the past half century, please contact me. Also, I would love to stick a microphone in your face to get any good stories about your time in the Milwaukee theater scene if you're so inclined to share those tawdry (okay, or inspiring) tales.

Contact me today and we can set something up. Sharing is fun. Sharing is caring. Sharing will really help me out. You're just cool if you share.

Help me get out of town

Anyone got any thoughts on a place for me to go for two days in October that fulfills these requirements:

1. I don't have to drive more than 4 hours.
2. There is something artsy to do.
3. There is hiking or walking or biking options.
4. If all else fails on any of the above, the place I'm going has a couple of good restaurants or indoor entertainment (get your minds of of the gutter).

Thoughts? Shoot them my way.

So much to do this weekend!

Too many things to do this weekend, but I suggest these two kindly supplied by my pal Brandy Kline:

So, I've got two really great events to plug for this weekend.

First of all, Gallery Night. The Broadway Theatre Center is open for backstage tours & live entertainment on the sidewalk and in the bar. MOST exciting, perhaps, is the Installation that I co-ordinated in the Studio Theatre.

It is, as yet, untitled. The important part is that Jason Fassl has done wonderful things with a series of lights illustrating a pair of engaging compositions by Josh Schmidt. The intention is to demonstrate how theatrical lights can sculpt space and perception, in a non-traditional, yet theatrical setting. (This is my first crack at writing the Display cards tomorrow, btw- first draft...)

In any case, it's cool, well worth seeing and will only be open to the public tonight (Friday) from 5-9 and Saturday from 10-2. I'll be there all day on Saturday, so come say hi! Oh yeah- there *might* be free stuff in the bar...

Secondly, Dancemakers 2008 at UWM is this weekend. I'm stage managing that one, and it's an evening of quality entertainment, good art, and amusing performances. There's a lot of great stuff in this one. Tribal shenanigans, dreaming machines, traditional Hawaiian chant, some blues, some rock 'n' roll, and underpants dance and an attempt to reach God, to name a few.

Dancemakers runs Friday and Saturday night at 7:30 pm. Tickets cost something, but not too much. $15 maybe?

Also, from the lovely and talented Pegi Taylor:

SATURDAY, JULY 26th
Darling Hall, 601 S. 6th Street
Doors open at 8:00. Show starts at exactly 9:15

WOOO HOOO!
An evening of homegrown performance art for the stout of heart!
Suggested donation--$5

How I learned to floss
Pegi Taylor performs her 30-minute, high-energy monolog that premiered in LA
in April.

Ephklatchhemeral
(pronounced Epphhh-klatch-hemeral, heavy on the spittle)
Xav LePlae, S. Buccheri, Jinnene Ross, & Peter Barrickman (featured Darling
Hall artists) in a 50-minute performative play that includes dancing in
slow-motion to Michael Jackson's Beat It, along with other miraculous feats.
The four premiered the piece at an East Coast festival in the spring.

That's for when you're not Gallery Nighting or German Festing, of course.

MAMMA MIA! to my MAMA AND GRANDMA MIA!

MAMMA MIA! update of the day. My mother took my Grandma Annie to see MAMMA MIA! in a movie theater in Johnson City, NY. There is no end to my astonishment that my mom continues to treat MAMMA MIA! like her own personal ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.

If you have ever been to Johnson City, NY, however, this double MAMMA MIA! dipping can be forgiven. There's not much more to do in Johnson City than wait for the next Moravian Club picnic.

Good thoughts from a multi-millionaire artist

For me, art really starts with acceptance, self trust. Wherever you come to with art, it's perfect. You don't have to come with anything. What you bring to something is the art. That's where it's found. It's found within you.

The guy who said that made this.



Jeff Koons is the guy. He's got a show going on down in Chicago right now. And he was on NPR today. He thinks everything is art. I like his style. I'd also like to sell a piece of art for $23,000,000 like he did. I know, I know. I'm not an artist if I feel that way, right? I don't know, I like Koons myself and I don't see him wearing a hair shirt. Check out the NPR interview here.

Dachau, Wisconsin

He felt the full weight of middle age shake his exhausted frame as the fog poured across the muddy blanket of ground his feet were soaking on in the early morning haze. The attendant marked his wife, first on the upper arm, then on her lower calf making sure to caress her flesh with meaty paws that deliberately stroked his love a little harder than necessary for the benefit of the onlookers. In the midst of the confusion, he ran into a childhood friend. They embraced, not knowing when their paths might cross again. The embrace reminded him that life was coursing through his body, if only to soon be tested in a way that it had never been tested before. The muck of the wet ground added to the stench of slaughter and decay coming from the makeshift toilets all the gape eyed men and women were clamoring to use before they submitted to the pain and anguish that they all had hoped to avoid but knew was on the horizon in the hours to come. As he turned to walk to the edge of the icy water to see her wife herded into a bitter cold bath along with a torrent of writhing bodies, he thought he might be in hell.

What do you think? Nice start to first chapter of my Holocaust novel?

Nah, this is just my take on my participation in this past weekend's Spirit of Racine Half Iron Man Triathlon.

Organized triathlons and Nazi run concentration camps have so much in common it's scary.

True, I've never really been a prisoner in a concentration camp, but the horror that was The Spirit of Racine race for me might approximate what it would have been like to be a Jew in Germany in the 30s and 40s.

I've reached a point in my life as a person who agrees that exercise is a good thing that I have come to the following conclusion about organized events that require training and discipline: "Enough is fucking enough!" I don't come at this understanding without some knowledge. I have run a marathon, I've done something called an adventure race (trapped in the woods with running shoes, a bike, a map, and several other sweaty friends), I've ran several charity type races and trail runs, I did a 200 mile relay run from Madison to Chicago in the pouring rain sleeping two hours in a fart filled van over a 24-hour period, and now I can claim that I have been part of a relay team for a half marathon. My love affair with training is over. My experience at the Spirit of Racine Half Iron Man Triathlon proved that to me last weekend.

For those of you who don't know what this all entails, a Half Iron Man Triathlon consists of a 1 mile swim, a 56 mile bike ride, and a 13 mile run. I was the runner for our team, my friend Brad was the biker, and my wife (and I point a finger of blame at her for the groin cramps I had as I finished the run on Sunday) was our swimmer and the mastermind behind the plot to get me to do this crazy thing.

If Paula was the kapo for our relay, I believe she was only a pawn in this tawdry way to spend an entire Sunday because of two evil geniuses. The Joseph Mengele and Adoplh Eichmann of the group were our friends Andrea and Claudia. These two ladies did the entire race. They submitted fully to the master plan. So fully that there is now talk of completion of a full Iron Man Triathlon a year from now. When I first married my wife and she said it would someday be a dream of hers to do a full Iron Man someday, I very adamantly told her that I believed her next husband would cheer loudly for her as she crossed the finish line. Now, I'm stuck like a stuck ass sucker. I'm not about to divorce the broad because she wants to compete in an organized sporting event where the really good people get so messed up by the end of the race that they poop in their pants and keep running, but I may have to have her head checked.

Maybe she's not seeing what I saw so clearly. Anything with "Iron Man Triathlon" in the title means one thing: DEATH CAMP.

Maybe I'm taking this a bit too far, but let me submit for you the following evidence.

BODY MARKINGS

In Racine, we were not branded or tattooed like Polish Jews, but we were Sharpied. Sharpieing leaves scars. Deep scars. Trust me, it took me four days to remove my marking. Then again, I'm not a very good washer.

Here's my wife getting her calf stroked by one of the volunteer strokers.



Mind you, this was one of the first people we encountered when we arrived at the race staging area. A strange man feeling up my wife's leg in front of the world with me looking on impotent to do anything at all because it's so early I haven't even had a cup of coffee yet? That's just cruel and demented. If I'm not mistaken, those concentration camp prisoners were greeted in a very similar manner.

They didn't just go after the ladies. I had to roll my sleeve to get marked. Like anyone even wants to see me with my shirt off! Come on! The pain was excruciating I can tell you. I'm still trying to shake off the humiliation.



MASS CONFUSION

Look at this crazy shit.



Does it look like anyone has any idea what is going on? If some Kraut would have said, "Let's all go to the showers!", I think this picture just would have ended up being a memorial shot that tried to convey a final moment of life before mass extermination. It was foggy, it was messy, it was like one of the really depressing scenes from "Schindler's List". And this was Racine. This is a place where people have cupboards full of Kringle. This shit is not supposed to happen in Racine. Have we not learned anything from the past? Is the tragic history of persecution being perpetuated again in the form of an organized triathlon? Look at these little wet suit lambs being led off to the slaughter.



And if you think it wasn't slaughter, you should have dipped your toe into the water. This is Lake Michigan we're talking about here. This wasn't exactly a trip to St. Bart's, okay. This was some fascist ploy to preserve the organs of these innocent men and women by a flash freezing so that the bodies could be used later for heinous scientific study. I'm sure of it. Sure of it.

YOU SEE OLD FRIENDS IN THE CONCENTRATION CAMP AND AT THE TRIATHLON

I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen in almost 20 years. My friend Steve was there with me in the final moments.



Steve is a survivor. He's escaped a couple of other forced labor camps shaving time off of his transitions and runs and bikes and swims with each new assignment, only to once again land in this nightmare. Steve started doing triathlons, so I was told by his dad who was there with him to see his son try to escape one more time, because he started biking or running to work. This is how it starts. Just by little windows of opportunity. Hitler was nothing more than a frustrated painter, but Germany was in such a mess in the early 30s that he took some chances and got the ball rolling. Hitler may be gone, but we can see the legacy he's left in events like this.

I mentioned that Steve's dad was there to support him, but where were Steve's two children and his wife? Where were my two children? Not with us. Separated. If you don't believe me when I say triathlons are the organized concentration camps of our generation explain that to me historical revisionist!

OUTDOOR TOILETS SMELLED BAD IN THE CAMPS AND THEY DO AT THE TRIATHLON, TOO

No picture, just this observation. When you put a group of nervous Jews together in a camp run by Nazis they need to go potty in the worst possible way because of jitters. When you put a group of triathletes together who are all jittery about finishing a race, their tummies do funky things. In both cases, the outdoor toilets don't conceal the fact that shit on a hot day smells like double shit. Yew. That's all I'm saying, now let's move on.

CRAZY GERMANS

Look at this mad eyed mother fucker. A smile like this greeted the prisoners when they arrived at Dachau, I just know it.



You put a German helmet on him, and he's comfy in a beer garden kicking back with some other Hitler youth before the midnight feast of Knockwurst and Schnapps. He's so German crazy, he's got beer socks.



I'd like to think that he was one of the race organizers, but I admit that he's my friend Brad who was the biking member of our relay team. Yes, I worked with the enemy. I'll have to live with the fact that cooperating with these types of mad men might have cost lives. Or at least toe nails, because triathletes loose toe nails from all that chaffing on their feet from too much of the good thing called exercise.

LUFTWAFFE IN THE HOUSE

Here's one of Hitler's elite Luftwaffe soldiers in full regalia.



Here's three hot chicks (my wife and our friends Andrea and Claudia) in their Luftwaffe inspired wet suits.



Okay, this is the one thing I wouldn't change. Bring on the Luftwaffe outfits. These ladies are hot. It has been suggested that my own wife in fact might have been the hottest lady there in her wet suit since her lady's figure was shown off to full effect. She stood out in a field of women who all kind of ended up looking like 14-year-old boys in wet suits. Then again, I'm told the Hitler fellas liked 14-year-old boys, so maybe that is just all part of the master plan.

In any event, I hope you agree that the hotness of Paula, Andrea and Claudia is one thing that you can applaud the triathlon Nazis for bringing to everyone's attention.

THE END

Here's Andrea just about to cross the finish line.



Just as she did, someone walked up to her with a Luger and blew her brains out. Sick bastards.

Really she just started weeping with joy and we all had a group hug, but I felt like I needed a stronger closer to make my thesis more sound.

Andrea survived. Claudia survived. Brad survived. Steve survived. Paula survived. And I finished. And when I say finished, I mean finished. No more big training plans for me. I'm not giving up another weekend morning to 10 mile runs that need to be accomplished when there are pancakes and bacon waiting for me on a plate to be eaten somewhere. I applaud my friends, and I imagine if we had all been prisoners of war, they would be telling our story while standing around my grave. My wife is going to do a full Iron Man in a year, and I will support her fully in that, but for now I bid the organized racing adieu. I'm not stopping exercise, but I am stopping this training madness. Call me a loser, call me a coward but one thing is certain. I'm keeping my toenails.

Have you seen this?

I hope you clicked that pic. If not, click here. It's my on-line art loving girlfriend Mary Louise Schumacher's tech geeky thingamabob that allowed joker's like me to weigh in on their Gallery Night Picks. It's cool and intergeekynety.

A question for anyone thinking about art today.

I recently heard this question:

"What are you doing to save theatre today?"

I want to know something else.

"What are you not doing to save theatre today?"

Is it the internet? Is it television? What up? Why aren't people going to plays as much anymore? Weigh in.

Rat Pack saves the Great White Way!

Oh my God! Oh my God! ROBIN AND THE SEVEN HOODS is coming to Broadway in a year or so.

This is either the greatest idea ever, or it falls in line with the plan to do 9 TO 5: THE MUSICAL (a poopy idea, I think).

Casting has not been announced, so I'm gunning for the Victor Buono role. If you don't know what I'm talking about, shame on you and your ring-a-ding Rat Pack snubbing self.

Marcus Monroe juggles fire and used to hit on older ladies when I knew him

Tonight The South Milwaukee Performing Arts Center is hosting something called Evening On The Avenue. A highlight of this event is the balls-to-the-wall juggling of street performer superstar and mad man Marcus Monroe.

I was in a play with Marcus Monroe when he was nothing other than a punk ass kid. I remember he used to hit on all the older ladies in the cast (old to him being anyone over the age of 14 at the time). I think he might have even gotten some play, he's that good.

I ran into him at Summerfest a couple of years ago and was kind of knocked off my ass by what he can do now. If you have a chance, check this event out tonight.

And if you're not into juggling by an extreme prankster there will be a bouncy castle at this event. And bouncy castles are so superb.

Here's a little look into the juggling world of young Mr. Monroe.

Horray for Abelewood!

God love that Chris Abele. He likes him a film or two it seems.

Read all about how he and some other smarties are behind keeping a Milwaukee film festival alive.

(And as a matter of full disclosure I once ran a theater company that Abele and Argosy Foundation supported, and my wife works for another company that Abele helped found and still supports so you can accuse me of being less than objective. But, come to think of it, if you have done anything in the arts in the last five years or so, you've probably been added by Abele at some time. So screw objectivity, its just good stuff for Milwaukee.)

Estelle Getty is dead...

...but the Estelle Getty Fitness Craze will never be forgotten.

This one is for all the gay men I've ever shared a dressing room with who have recited verbatim every episode of "Golden Girls." Sorry for your loss, fellas. Hope you can sweat off your pain with Estelle.

I just realized something about myself...

...I'm not angry. I kind of like art. I like working in the system to try and change it. I embrace my nice guyness. I will never win a shouting match. I'm not an asshole.

But this guy is.



I stumbled across Don Hall today, and though I don't agree with almost everything he says, I think he's worth a read. You gotta read the assholes, too. At least this asshole is a good writer.

Truly, Don Hall has many well constructed moronic thoughts on art that I hope you enjoy and pee upon as much as I do. He is worth a gander and puke now and again.

Three Teats Guys, my cinematic masterpiece and introducing the world to Goin' Low

SPOON.

Did you click SPOON?

If you did, then you are in for a treat. Hello world, my cinematic masterpiece is being shown over at Three Udders and A Studio. The screening is happening most likely because I dared them to do it, but when you see the beauty and the pathos that is SPOON you will understand why this video short made it all the way into the non juried showing of The Milwaukee Short Film Festival (which means I didn't win any prizes, and even had to pay for my own drinks at the screening back in May).

SPOON is what happens when you have good friends who are as bored as you are during a long Wisconsin winter, and one of you thinks he can write. I take the honors as the delusion writer this time, but I anticipate it will be a revolving door of blame and shame for many cold January's to come.

SPOON was shot and put together by the young genius' behind Three Udders and A Studio, the horribly named collective of brain power, limited film making insight and Mac computer ownership that is Chris Klopatek and Chase Stoeger.
I owe them tremendously for their stewardship of SPOON. Actually, come to think of it, I bought those losers a couple of tacos when we "wrapped" shooting (I'm so Hollywood), so I guess we're actually even. That is if they left the tip. If not, then they deserve what they have coming to them on judgment day.

While you're checking out SPOON (click it, go ahead, click it), I also think the Adventures of Stuart: Goin' Low saga is essential viewing. I think you'll see a common thread in the Three Cow Titties guys and the brilliance that is SPOON. Either that or you'll smell it. Either way, it's pretty clear that the three of us were meant to work together when you see all these works together.

My mistreatment of ABBA musicals knows no bounds

I've been shamed yet again. Tony Clements reminds me that MAMMA MIA! is with two "M's". Not the one "M" that I have been using. I bow to grammarian Clements. Now where's my autographed photo from when Tone was in the MAMMA MIA! tour? I have special places I hang things like that. Aka, the toilet next to all my bad reviews.

MAMA MIA! mea culpa

Okay, so I've never seen MAMA MIA!

I shouldn't talk about it with such vigor then, I guess. I have heard it from MAMA MIA! fans since I wrote about it last week. Ouch.

And my good friend, Tony Clements, was in the tour for years and years.

And I like ABBA. Who doesn't like ABBA.

I was also reminded that any film with Meryl Streep is probably better than any film without Meryl Streep.

So, to rectify my uniformed disdain of MAMA MIA!, I'll go see the movie soon.

Anyone want to join me? Let me know and maybe we can make it a thing.

Update on Cultural Alliance of Milwaukee

Christine Harris from The Cultural Alliance of Milwaukee has suggested a group sit down to talk about what is happening and what isn't happening with The Cultural Alliance of Milwaukee. That sounds sweet. Details will be forthcoming, but I'm hoping to arrange some type of group chit chat this week that will be open to a manageable group of arts folks (I'm thinking around 20, cuz that all the arts people I can manager in one room at once). Thanks to you all for the great questions thus far, and to Christine for agreeing to meet. Should be eye opening.

Everyone needs a friend with a boat.

Life is not all about arts and culture, folks. Sometimes it's about being a hanger on with your successful realtor friend that you've known since junior high school.

This is my friend Chad Larget. If you're buying or selling a house, he's the man to call. Chad works as a realtor for Shorewest. And the biggest reason you buy or sell with Chad is because he has a boat. And he likes to take clients out on that boat and give them love, beer, and snacks. Chad is a full service realtor (And I do mean full service for any of you ladies looking for a little high seas adventure...wink, wink.)



Here it is. A sweet, little cruiser that he took me out on the other night. (I said something about my trip last week when talking about Milwaukee's biggest dandy and have gotten flack because because I haven't done a follow up. So for all your motoring across the water fans, here's the low down on boating with Chad.)



For the record, I have never bought or sold anything with Chad's help. I've been tempted to have him help me buy a car, because Chad seems to be able to haggle with car salesmen better than anyone I know. Chad has bought and sold more vehicles in his lifetime than I've bought underwear. But, as a friend of Chad's since our early teenage years, I was entitled to a boat trip. Chad did explain to me that a new benefit he offers clients is to take them out on a boat trip. Simple deal: you buy or sell a house, or give a referral that buys a house or sells a house, Captain Chad gives you a ride. I suppose you could spend forty bucks or so to do some Eldweiss booze cruise, but there are far fewer mullet heads on Chad's boat, so a mortgage and lifelong debt seem appropriate for this lake and river cruise option.

Chad's boat has a name. And for all you Voltaire of Bernstein fans, Chad christening his boat Cunegonde might mean something. Chad named his boat after the heroine in the sweeping tale CANDIDE because in his life prior to being a realtor with a boat, he was a tenor who enjoyed a Broadway stint in a short-lived revival of CANDIDE. I saw it, and liked it. And if you listen real closely, you can hear Chad's brassy tenor blaring through on the ensemble numbers of the cast recording.


Aboard the Cunegonde last week along with me was my pal Stephan Roselin. Yep, he bought a house with Chad's help. (For you fashion fans, Stephan sported a Yankees hat written in Hebrew. We were a religiously diverse boat, for sure.)



Also on board were Becky Spice and her man Malcolm McDowell Woods of The Outpost Exchange Magazine. You all know Becky, of course. She's been a fixture of The Skylight for years, is loved by countless men, and the ladies do take a shine to her as well (love for Becky knows no bounds). Becky and Malcolm currently have their house listed with Chad, and Becky works with Chad at Shorewest. So, as you can see, I was the low-rent freeloader of the group.



This whole realtor perk thing is real, too. Chad's boating schedule last week included a cruise full of ladies the night prior to our flotilla, and a high seas adventure with arts writer Paul Kosidowski and his wife the evening after our jaunt. All those good folks had done business with Chad, enabling him to buy the boat. I think I only qualified for the trip because when Chad and I were roommates in our younger days, I willingly cleaned the bathroom (and this was no small feat with the steamers that Captain Larget liked to leave in our bachelor pad toilet.)

Speaking of potties, the Cunegonde has nifty one. It's a combo toilet/shower. Yes, I am excited about bathrooms. It's a thing, okay. And this clever little invention just about did me in.



You can also relax below deck on the Cunegonde and enjoy some cheese and crackers, play a board game or arm wrestle one of your co-boaters in the lounging area of the living room. Sue me, I'm not a boater. I'm awe struck by these little conveniences. That and the fact that this boat's living quarters are bigger than some of the places I have lived in my life, amazed me.



Here's Chad's QUINCY pose. Remember ladies, I said he was a total full service realtor.



As you may have figured out from my wide-eyed amazement with things like boat toilets, I'm not a big boater. I've never given boating much of a thought. I'm kind of a land luber. Until now. I mean, if I had the money, I would go out and buy myself a boat. Which assuredly means that I will never own a boat beacause any career path I seem to choose does not does not offer a lay scale that extends to boat ownership.

My boat trip afforded me great views of Milwaukee from the big drink. Here's the sail boats we rammed in our effort to be pirates.



Actually, no ramming was done, but Becky did tell me a tale of how she and Chad were out on the Lake one night in need of a cork screw to celebrate some real estate deal, and shouted over to another boat for assistance. Not only did the others boaters throw them a cork screw, but it end up that they knew Becky. The waters seem to bring people together somehow. Either that or booze.

Look at that city.



And that one. Oh, it's Milwaukee, if you weren't sure.

I've lived in Milwaukee a long time, but I never get the lake view perspective. That's because I'm unwilling to dip into a lake full of shit and smelt that is so cold that my nuts end up in my throat if I decide to dip a toe into it. So you see, there are so many great benefits of boating. Not swimming in feces and not tasting your scrotum are high on the list. But the nice view trumps them all.



Chad spends some time on Lake Michigan in his boat, but I get the sense the he trolls the river a bit more. As we ventured North on the Milwaukee River Chad mentioned all the places he could park his boat, get out and have a drink. It's mind boggling. You can just pull your boat up to a dock, not worry about plugging a meter, and get out and enjoy a Mojito and a tub of hot artichoke dip. That's livin'!

And, if you're reading this and thinking, "Hey, this dude is supposed to write about art!", well I submit this public art picture for you. In your face, doubter!



This is something I would have never seen if I hadn't been boat bound. There's a stretch of river shore that attracts a huge amount of seagulls. It's really bizarre. It's right around the Time Warner Cable building, and my pal Stephan (who works for Time Warner) says that the land around Time Warner and all the cars parked outside are contantly littered with bird droppings. What is that all about, right? Are the gulls more into books than t.v.? Are they somehow demanding more bird programming? Whatever it is, it's really kind of like passing by the set for a Hitchcock film.



Okay, so, what's this one?



Answer: under side of the Wells Street bridge.

Clearly, I don't get out much.

Chad toured us around for a couple of hours and then we sat at his slip and gnawed on a pizza. Perhaps the best part of the evening was saying goodbye to Chad and realizing that as I pedaled home on my bike, Chad was going to tuck in for the night and sleep in his boat bed. That's living the dream. Living the dream like a 70s television star that is.

If you're looking to buy or sell, Chad's the man. You're guaranteed some boat. It's so much better than a refrigerator magnet.

Mom, how could you do it to me?

Yesterday my mother made me die a little death. In the heat of the July afternoon, she sat in a darkened movie theater eating her popcorn and saw (I'm swallowing hard right now), this...



Remember when Meryl Streep did things like SOPHIE'S CHOICE rather than sing ABBA songs and show off her jazz hands? Leave the AM 70s radio hits to the Swedes, Meryl. Are you and Allison Janney conspiring to have me take you both off of my hot crushes list?

This is a double blow for me, though. I remember when I just thought my mom was the sweetest lady in the world and not just a broad who liked to do tacky things with her friends. Mom also said she liked it. I'm crying, mother, crying.

Okay, my mom is still sweet, but what about DARK KNIGHT? That would have marked her as the coolest lady around. (Though, despite this soul crushing indiscretion, I still do believe my mother is the coolest lady around.)

I know these words will come back to bite me when I end up learning how to dance and star as Jesus in a summer stock production of GODPSELL. (Nah, that's never gonna happen. Not because I don't want it to, but just because it's too late to teach this old dog and new dancing tricks. Also, I look too Jewish, and everyone knows that Jesus was Episcopalian.)

Here's what I think you should see this week!

THE FROGS

I got one for you this week. Ribid! Ribid! Ummm...fly!

It's summer and in other cities that means loads of theater going on. Not in Milwaukee. We're on a bit of an academic schedule when it comes to putting things on the boards. Too bad about that for now, but don't despair. Word on the streets is that Dale Gutzman over at Off The Wall Theatre has mounted a fabu production of Sondheim's THE FROGS.


Look at these mugs.

That's Karl Miller and David Flores. They are the comic headliners in this musical adaptation of Aristophanes' (yup, he was one of those play writing Greeks) play. If you were looking for cheesecake, you can bet that Miller and Flores are hiding some in their grinning cheeks. Basically the story is that Dionysos, the god of wine and fun (Flores) and his slave boy Xanthias (Miller) head to Hades because they think the world is screwed and want to find someone there to save it. They party, bump into George Bernard Shaw and William Shakespeare and deal with all those damn frogs. KING LEAR, it ain't.

THE FROGS has a storied history. It was first done in the 70's in a swimming pool at Yale (with Meryl Streep, Christopher Durang and Sigourney Weaver disappearing in the huge cast as singing spear carriers), and most recently in a floppish production starring and adapted by Nathan Lane. Gutzman and crew are using the Lane update, and I've heard buzz that this is one of the Off The Wall crew's best ventures ever.

Sounds fun, right? And look at those wide grins on Miller and Flores. That's worth it alone, right?

When and where: Now through July 27. Off The Wall Theatre, 127 E. Wells Street. For more information and tickets call 414-327-3552 or visit www.offthewalltheatre.com.

New forum info at The Artsy Schmartsy Forum

Please check these out at The Artsy Schmartsy Forum.

I created a few new things. In the category called ARTSY IDEAS AND MOVEMENTS I put something called "How do you get the 20 somethings to care about supporting art?". Let's start a discussion about how to get the younguns who can legally drink into the theatres and galleries and away from the computers and flat screens, okay?

Also, I hope folks will give loads of input on the newest category called SAW IT, NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. In that forum category you have an opportunity to add your opinions on plays, concerts, gallery exhibits and anything else you call art.

Forum away. You'll feel purged.

Worth a watch

My friend Stephanie McCanles forwarded this video to me after reading Artsy Schmartsy and some of the debates about the future of theatre going on amongst our readers. She's working on a proposal to do a documentary on Chicago theater. I think it's a fabulous idea (and if anyone is interested in doing a documentary on Milwaukee theater, e-mail me and only me so we can get talking).

In any event, Steph did a fab job on this pitch reel, and I hope she secures funding, because the interviews are insightful and speak well of what is currently happening in theater in this country.

Watch it and I think you'll agree that there is wisdom in what the folks are saying about what audiences want. Or, rather, what your expectation as an artist must be if you actually are concerned with bringing 22-year-olds into the theatre.

You can find Steph's Chicago Theatre Documentary Pitch reel by following this link.

I'm curious about your thoughts on how artists should be attracting the 22-year-old audiences. Post a comment here or go to The Artsy Schmartsy Forum and chime in on the new discussion topic I've posted.

I've got my own ideas, and I feel a manifesto a-coming...

Dandy alert!

I was biking home at about 10:30 last night from a boat trip on a pal's cruiser (more on that later) when I had to stop at a traffic light and noticed a poncy little dandy putt putting away right next to me on a motor scooter. I was sweaty from pushing my gears and trying to hit accelerated MPH's on my decade old bike, and silently scoffed at the sear-sucker wearing, Vespa cruising metrosexual with the perfect hair toting the smooth and buttery leather attache case perched on the scooter's rear.

And, of course, it turned out to be none other than the dandiest of Milwaukee dandies, Kyle Cherek.

Kyle is a friend, and I don't think he'll mind me saying he's the queen bee of all Milwaukee dandies. Bumping into that rouge did make me think of his Wisconsin Foodie stint on WISN earlier in the spring (what's happening with this thing, anyone know?). If you haven't seen it, I'm posting a clip today. You may not learn much about food, but you will learn that Kyle knows how to wear a three quarter cut coat and overpriced glasses like no one else in town.

Do this! Do it now!

Another thing about Mary Louise Schumacher. She's crafty and fun.

Her newest crafty, fun idea is to have you give your individual thoughts on what people should see during the upcoming Gallery Night.

Go to her post "What are you doing Gallery Night?" and weigh in. I made my call. I want you to make yours so MLS can put up the numbers to make this work (she needs at least 36 people to make it all mesh).

CJ Craig, I miss you!

This just hurts.



That's Allison Janney along with some musical theater types in a publicity shot for the upcoming production of 9 to 5: The Musical slated for Broadway in 2009. Allison Janney is doing some kind of a gawky, jazzy stretch. There are gay men all over the interweb drooling over the possibility of this show. I just know it.

I loved the movie as a prepubescent boob loving ogler (Dolly Parton tatas, remember?), but this just seems like a freak show waiting to happen. And it implicates my dream doll, the thinking man's pin-up girl Allison Janney.

Musical theatre queen that I am stuffed into the hearty frame of a very hetero man, I'm dying a little today seeing my imaginary television girlfriend Allison Janney in this show choir pose.

Please let it not be the ultimate suckfest.

A litte shout out from my pal over at Art City

Mary Louise Schumacher and I have never met face to face, but I admit that I have the biggest on-line crush that a guy can have on a smart blondie like her.

Read her Art City blog daily. Especially today. She wrote nice things about Artsy Schmartsy today. See why I love this chick.

It was especially nice for her to say these nice things since I intend to steal every good idea she comes up with an make it my own.

What the...

...FUCK!


I've now officially had enough of Brett Favre. This doesn't matter people. It doesn't matter.

Want to know about a few things that do matter?

There's an election in November.

People are still dying in Iraq.

Gas prices aren't going down.

Ben Bernacki had bad things to say about the U.S. economy.

I'm convinced that American teenagers don't understand grammar or spelling anymore as I read through some plays written by local teens (they understand creativity, just not things like commas, prepositions or participle phrases).

Americans are really fat because it costs a whole hell of a lot more to buy a really good apple and a salad than it does to buy a Big Mac.

I know that the mere mention of Brett Favre sells newspapers and spikes television ratings in our market, but really isn't this just turning into some mind blowing pissing match by organized sports and a guy who should just be sleeping on a bed of cash after spending a whole day fly fishing in a Mississippi swamp?

Sheesh. Just sheesh.

How Not To Run A Theater

There are so many books out there that make the claim that they are the definitive handbook for gaining the knowledge to run theatre. Books like Running Theaters: Best Practices for Leaders and Managers, Subscribe Now!, and How to Run a Theater: A Witty, Practical and Fun Guide to Arts Management all claim to be witty, insightful guides on how you can change the world through the magic of arts management.

But nobody knows how to run a theater like me. Well, actually, I know how to run a theater into the ground. That's why I've decided to start my own series of lessons on the theater entitled "How Not To Run A Theater". The title says it all I think.

I ran a theater for 11 years. We were critically acclaimed. Did thrilling work. Are missed by at 17 fans that I hear from occasionally. But, in terms of business and administration, we sucked.

I don't have a bad taste in my mouth for the business of running a theater. In fact, I love the business of running theater. I would love to have another shot at running a theater, in fact. I think I have a good perspective on how to do things right based on my history of doing things poorly. (This is my studied answer for any employers looking to hire me to run a theater, by the by.)

I will post thoughts on things you should never do in the pursuit of running a theater from time to time with the dreamy goal of collecting enough to compile into my own "How To" book to be stocked on some dusty shelf next to Don't Just Applaud, Send Money: The Most Successful Strategies for Funding and Marketing the Arts. I also welcome your reader stories, as well. I'm looking for practical advice on things you should never do. Need an example? Here's my first short tidbit for you today. I call it, Beer--It's Not Best Practices For Anything:

When deciding to start a theater company there are a number of thirst quenching options available for so called business and planning sessions. Those include:

1. Milk.
2. Water.
3. Any number of juices.
4. Coffee.
5. Spit.
6. Blood.
7. Urine.
8. Sewer water

There is one liquid, however, that is a deadly addition to any discussion concerning the creation of a theater company. That deadly substance is known as beer.

Beer is responsible for the creation of theater companies that perform at midnight. Beer is to blame for theatrical startups that present classics performed by amateur actors in Elks' Lodges. You can point a finger at beer for the genius that is the touring mask and puppet theater.

Resist the urge to include beer in any forum where the words, "let's start a theater company" are uttered. You will avoid unnecessary pain in the form of lose of sleep and good health, girlfriend or boyfriend infidelity and the ultimate smackdown of risking your life savings on a production of J.B. only to end up living in your parents' basement.

Keep the beer right where it belongs. On the breakfast table.

I like this kid, so much more than Brett Favre

Read the NY Times Arts and Leisure article Talk About Your Spring Awakening for this quote from 17-year-old Hampton Fluker, a former football star at his high school who decided to dedicate his extra curricular time to being an actor:

“You’re never going to change someone’s perception of the world by running a football.”

Brett. Give it up. Give this kid a call. Maybe he can give you some drama lessons and you can get on with your life so a bunch of fat Midwesterners can get on with theirs.

I will learn what the Cultural Alliance does, but not for a few more weeks

Remember how I asked what the Cultural Alliance of Milwaukee does a few days back? Well, I got this response from their executive director, Christine Harris, over the weekend:

Happy to discuss with you, Jonathan, what we are doing and what we are
not doing currently - and why.

I am in and out of the office for the next month with lots of family
stuff that I need to take care of. Perhaps we can meet in August? I
prefer a face to face rather than respond to a blog because I think we
will both learn more that way.

Thanks -
Christine

So, I guess I'll learn something in August. You will too. Want to help?

Send me your questions for the Cultural Alliance. I'll ask them. However jarring they may be. Christine can take it. She's a tough broad.

Also in the meantime, I'm gonna contact some other cultural alliances around the country and find out what they do. Could knock a couple more questions into my head.

All this learning, it's so fun. I like to call that flearning!

One promise I make for this exercise: NO SPREADSHEETS!

Never mix, never worry

Trust me. This...



And this...



And this...



do not mix for a concert in the park.

And thus was the story of my Saturday night. Anybody else got any good ones?

Overweight chicks in golf carts are pretty darned cute

That's a golf cart minus a plumper lady. But it could use one bopping to "Blue Suede Shoes." Trust me on this one.

If you are an overweight woman who drives a golf cart, I apologize for any of the following remarks that you may find disparaging.

So, picture the scene. I'm in Rotary Park in Mequon, WI, acting as director and script writer for this year's Gathering on The Green. We've almost come to the end of a jam packed final rehearsal prior to tonight's event. The Milwaukee Ballet has dazzled (I HEART BALLET DANCERS!). Everyone is eagerly anticipating Ton Ko-Thi drumming and dancing their hearts out. Becky Spice from The Skylight has reincarnated herself as a better looking, smoother Ethel Merman. The Florentine Opera is showing the world through the towering voices of Katy Pracht, John Pickle and Todd Von Felker that opera is sexy and cool. And Maestro Bill Boggs and The Gathering on The Green Orchestra make me want to weep they are so good and unflappable.

And then, the Elvis impersonator and his band take the stage for their soundcheck. Yep, the Elvis impersonator. If you diagram the last sentence artistically and try to place it in the last paragraph it just doesn't fit, right? Try writing the script for the event. It ain't easy. It ain't easy.

But then I look around as Milwaukee Elvis is doing his schtick backed by a band that is made up of extras from the set of "The Sopranos", and I know what the audience for the evening will remember most. It's Elvis. And I know this because there are at least half a dozen overweight women riding around in golf carts grooving to his tunes. And, I gotta admit, albeit grudingly, they are darned cute.

If you're there tonight, you'll be able to say "I was there!" If you're not, you're a loser. Elvis and art just go hand in hand.

Wow. You all rock. Now can you rock harder?

I asked you to help me raise 500 smackaroonies by July 31, and look what you did. By July 11, you all contributed $508. Just wow. I'm weeping now.

And so, I thought, with all this time on out hands, let's up the ante. Can you help me raise $1,000 by July 31st? I promise the cash will be used for nothing but good. (Pizza tastes good. I will buy pizza with $17 of the dollars, I'm sure.)

Honestly I am truly in awe of the generosity shown and the support of this independent endeavor to keep Artsy Schmartsy going and make it the hot spot on the web to talk about Milwaukee arts doings. If you can help further, great. If not, I'm a happy man already and I'm thrilled to be digging in and blogging away for you all.

Again, mucho thanks.

THE BEST NEWSPAPER TITLE EVER (OF TODAY AT LEAST)

"Pope heads Down Under for youth extravaganza"

There are so many levels to it, I can't even begin to parse it. Good Catholic boy that I am, of course.

Your plans this weekend, determined by me

I'm continuing my practice of telling you art type of things to do around town every week. This week, I've got four things I think you should see. There will be no set number of items I think you should check out from week to week, just as many as I like in a given seven day period.

You got something you think I should check out? Shoot me an e-mail and I'll be sure to put it in the old noggin and jot up some wise ass remarks about the worthiness of your art.

Here's my list for the week:

PAINT THE TOWN

"There are few stories appropriate to late-stage capitalism." That's what it says on the Insurgent Theatre website about their production of PAINT THE TOWN that opens this weekend. Rex Winsome wrote it, and I can tell you from what I know, you'll either love it or hate it (kind of how people feel about the vocal and opinionated Rex, too, I might add). This is DIY theater for folks who like punk rock more than tits and sizzle. The story? Who cares. Late stage capitalism is so hard to diagram in a mere play.

When and where: July 11-27. Alchemist Theatre, 2569 S. Kinnickinnic. For more info about this run and their upcoming dirty van tour of the show, visit www.insurgenttheatre.org.


DAMN YANKEES

The venerable Sunset Playhouse in Elm Grove gives us the one musical in the world written about baseball. DAMN YANKEES is about how selling your soul to the devil is maybe the only way for an arm chair fan to see his beloved team trounce those ever loving Yankees. That was of course back in a time when the Yankees weren’t having the same kind of season as our still growing Brewers. This one is a songfest with tunes like “Whatever Lola Wants” and “You Gotta Have Heart”. Sorry gawkers, no steamy locker room scenes in this one, though.

When and where: July 11-August 3. Sunset Playhouse, 800 Elm Grove Road, Elm Grove. Call 262-782-4430 or visit www.sunsetplayhouse.com.

GATHERING ON THE GREEN

Every summer all the North Shore folk get out for a weekend of artiness right in there own backyard brought to them by some of the finest performance troupes in Milwaukee. This summer the two-day event at Rotary Park is themed “Got Rhythm!!”, and rhythm is what the good North Shore folk are gonna get. It all starts on Friday night with a concert from jazz great Marlena Shaw & Trio. Then the main event on Saturday night is an arts extravanganza with The Milwaukee Ballet, Florentine Opera, The Skylight and Ko-Thi Dance Company. You can sit on a blanket, sip you wine and enjoy it all while your heart beats a few clicks faster from all that bang-bang rhythm.

When and where: July 11-12. Rotary Park, 4000 W Highland Rd, Thiensville. For more information call 262-242-6187 or visit www.gatheringonthegreen.org.

SOUTH SHORE FROLICS FESTIVAL OF ARTS

Lest you think that art on the South Side means really fancy lawn burros and garden gnomes, the Bay View Arts Guild is out to prove you wrong this weekend with their South Shore Frolics Festival of Arts. You’ll have the chance to stroll through South Shore Park on Sunday gazing at the finest wares from some of the South Shore’s finest artists. Try as I might, I couldn’t find lawn burros sculptor in the lineup of artists.

When and where: July 13. South Shore Park, 2900 S. Shore Drive. For more information visit www.south-shore-frolics.com.

Here's where I get a little more unfettered.

Does anyone know what The Cultural Alliance of Milwaukee does? Other than ask cultural groups to fill out surveys? For any readers outside of Milwaukee, do you have similar arts alliances in your community that do little more than push papers around and create dazzling spreadsheets for the benefit of convention and visitor bureaus and bus tour group operators?

Has art in our community and the nation become too speculative? Please shoot me some thoughts.

And, if someone from the Cultural Alliance wants to weigh in, that would be great. I think they're nice people and all, I just want to know really what they do.

I'm humbled...

I am truly humbled by the Chip In donations that folks have sent today. We're already up to almost $400 bucks. I thank you all (and will individually thank those of you who have already contributed). I mean to keep this an independent source for information and thoughts on arts issues in Milwaukee and beyond, and these donations help immensely.

I also want to stress that the Artsy Schmartsy Forum is a really cool new thing about this blog. A couple of folks have already signed up for the forum, and I hope more of you will soon.

Again, thanks. You're fab.

Check in for my thoughts on what you should do this weekend on Friday. Yep. I still have opinions about what you should see and where, and I just can't keep them to myself.

Today, is the greatest day of your art loving life!

Why I don't any longer have a cell phone...

Fuck yeah. I love the dudes at the end.

Téléphone Portable + Maïs = Pop-corn - Video insolite