Mrs. Claus has her day

This is a comedy sketch I wrote for my good pal J.R. Sullivan's Hometown Christmas Show on Northern Illinois Public Radio.  I'm big on Northern Illinois Public Radio.

THAD

Good evening ladies and gentleman, Thad Munfrey coming to you live with this breaking update. Deep in the thick of primary season, the ’08 presidential race is heating up. Clinton, Obama, Guiliani, Romney, Thompson, and Edwards. These are the names making the headlines from Iowa to New Hampshire and lighting up the blogosphere. But today, a major announcement has hit the nation like a ton of bricks. Stepping outside of party lines, an independent candidate has entered the ’08 bid for this nation’s highest office. It’s my job as a reporter to maintain an objective approach when covering the news, but frankly, I gotta admit, this new entrant is gonna make everyone else watch their back. We’re pleased to welcome her to the Munfrey Report for her first Q&A since her entry into the Presidential race earlier today. Welcome. Mrs. Claus.

 

MRS. CLAUS

Thanks Thad. Please call me Chita.

 

THAD

All right, Chita. That’s a lovely name. You know, come to think of it, I always just assumed you were simply known as Mrs. Claus. I never knew you had a first name.

 

MRS. CLAUS

Sure do. I also have a maiden name. It’s Rivera.

 

THAD

Wait a minute. Chita Rivera? You’re not any relation to the legendary Broadway dancing star by the same name are you?

 

MRS. CLAUS

No. But I can kick my leg over my head just like my Latina sister. I hope all my fellow Latino hermanas and hermanos remember that when election day comes.

 

THAD

Hold the phone. You mean to tell this reporter that you’re also Latino.

 

MRS. CLAUS

Thad, I’m an American. I’m for free speech. I’m for hard work. I’m for equal pay for equal work. I’m for a nation that believes in justice and tolerance. If I just happen to also be a member of the biggest and fastest growing block of voters in this wonderful melting pot country of ours, so be it.

 

THAD

You’ve heard it here folks. Mrs. Claus is Latino and can kick her leg over her head. Chita, this reporter is impressed with your credentials. You’re the most thrilling independent candidate since Ross Perot.

 

MRS. CLAUS

Oh, stop. You’ll make me blush Thad. Chocolate walnut fudge?

 

THAD

Chocolate walnut fudge? It’s my favorite. How did you know?

 

MRS. CLAUS

I have an incredible staff. And Santa gave me the letter you wrote to him elaborating on your fudge crush the year your parents were threatening to send you to the fat farm.

 

                         THAD

Right. 1973. All I wanted for Christmas that year was a pickle barrel full of chocolate walnut fudge and the recipe for the McDonald’s Big Mac Secret Sauce. That’s something I’ve tried to forget for years.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Well, thanks to the elves, I have a detailed record of what all American voters want. Once you sift through the Barbie dolls and video games, it’s pretty much the same thing for everyone.

 

                              THAD

What’s that?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Universal health care coverage and a leader who isn’t afraid to take a strong stance on global warning. And I can deliver.

 

                              THAD

Amazing. Simply amazing. It’s refreshing to hear a candidate that isn’t just a collection of sound bites and rehearsed comments. Try listening to Mitt Romney all day.

 

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

You see Thad, my campaign is different. I’m not a politician. I never have been. I never will be. I’m just the wife of the man who brings all the toys to all the good little boys and girls. I have intimate knowledge of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. I can tell you from first hand experience, that Rudy Guiliani has never shown up on the nice list.

 

                              THAD

This is simply extraordinary. Ma’am, let me just say, you seem like the perfect candidate.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Thanks Thad. My people would agree. I’m polling very strong with young voters. Those under ten. Now I know they can’t vote for several more years, but something tells me they’re youth and industry will help us lobby their parents and guardians to vote for me. A screaming child afraid that I’ll give Santa a negative report is one hell of an influence peddler.

 

                              THAD

I’ll say. My daughter Sally has already made me put one of your bumper stickers on my car. I love your slogan.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Thanks. “Deck The Halls of Power.” It’s simple. It’s to the point. It’s going to help me win.

 

                              THAD

Now, Mrs. Claus…

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Chita.

 

                              THAD

Chita. Sorry. There’s been some concern that you’re actually not eligible to run since you and Mr. Claus live at The North Pole. Your U.S. residency has been called into question.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Thad, I’m aware of the allegations that I’m an ineligible candidate. I blame the conservative muck mongers who accus me of being an illegal immigrant. Once again, an honest, hard working Latina woman is unable to get a fair break.

 

                              THAD

But what about the fact that you live and work at The North Pole?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

That’s a misconception. True, our work keeps us at the North Pole for an extended period before and during the holiday season, but the residence we keep up North is merely a seasonal home. It doesn’t even have air conditioning.

 

                              THAD

So what’s your home state?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

The great state of North Dakota. We’ve lived there for years.

 

                              THAD

North Dakota. How did you come to live there?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Well, it’s not too densely populated, so it’s easier for Santa to keep a low profile. Also, the reindeer love it. Lots of room to prance and play their reindeer games.

 

                              THAD

A lot of pundits have made the comparison between you and Hillary Clinton. Would you like to respond to that?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Thad, Hillary is an inspiration to everyone. We’re both married to powerful men, but there are differences between the two of us. She’s breaking fundraising records, and if just started my campaign. She’s got executive power written all over her, and I’m comfortable wearing quilted red and white dresses all year long. There’s no doubt that she’s presidential. But I’m something that Hillary isn’t.

 

                              THAD

What’s that?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

I’m present-tential.

 

                              THAD

Present-tential? I’ve never heard the term. Can you explain?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Of course. Now listen closely. Thad, do you want a present for Christmas this year?

 

                              THAD

Yes, of course.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Then vote for me.

 

                              THAD

I see. Don’t you worry that you’ll be seen as a candidate with an unfair advantage over others?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Well, the Republicans have big business on their side, and the Democrats have the labor unions all wrapped up. What’s a girl to do?

 

                              THAD

Indeed. So, Chita, can we expect Santa to be a big part of your campaign?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Of course. Santa supports me fully in my bid for the highest office in the land. We’ll be traveling all over the country. I’d be lost without Santa.

 

                              THAD

I’m sure that the family values voters will love to hear that you’re such a dedicated husband and wife team.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

That’s right. Also, someone’s gotta drive the sleigh, and Santa’s the only one who can steer it so it doesn’t constantly pull to the right.

 

                              THAD

If you’re elected as President of the United States, you’ll be the first woman to serve as chief executive. Does that fact intimidate you?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Thad, I’ve knitted and darned for an army of elves all my life. I’ve helped prepare toys for every child in the world year after year. I’ve been there for Santa during those rough years before Rudolph voluntarily checked into a 12-step program at the Hazeldon clinic. I’m prepared for anything.

 

                              THAD

The national debt?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

How about a cookie?

 

                              THAD

Thanks. Troop withdrawls in Iraq?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Take two they’re small.

 

                              THAD

Oh, all right. Supreme court appointments?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

I’ll get you a little baggie to take some home.

 

                              THAD

If you insist. Soft money? Roe vs. Wade? The war on terrorism?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Cookie. Cookie. Cookie.

 

                              THAD

Wow. You do have an answer for everything.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Thad, I’m ready. I prepared for this all my life. A vote for me, is a vote for the future. It’s also the only way you’ll be sure to get that new set of golf clubs on Christmas morning.

 

                              THAD

The TaylarMades with the plush velour head covers?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

I’ll be counting on you next November.

 

                              THAD

You’ve got my vote.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Good choice. I think you might want to mention my name as a candidate to your wife and friends.

 

                              THAD

Will you throw in a Wolf Blitzer Collector Bobble Head Figurine?

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Thad? Wolf Blitzer?

 

                              THAD

He’s been a personal hero of mine ever since they called him the Skud Stud.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

You drive a hard bargain, but consider it done.

 

                              THAD

Thanks Mrs. Claus. I’m sure your entry into the 2008 presidential election is the shot in the arm that this nation needs. I expect a new level of candor and tenacity on the campaign trail.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

And I expect a huge new voter turn out if all those good little boys and girls know what’s good for them.

 

                              THAD

Mrs. Claus, on behalf of the nation, I thank you.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

Don’t mention it Thad. Oh, and one more thing.

 

                              THAD

Whatever you say Mrs. President.

 

                              MRS. CLAUS

If you think about it, leave Santa a cup of low fat yogurt this year. I need the first man to be able to meet the weight requirement on Air Force One. Watch out Barack! I’m coming to get you!

 

THE END